We plan, but nothing is within our control

Hello everyone.

It’s been forever and I cannot believe that finally I am back here writing. People around me been pushing me to write, but I just don’t feel like doing so. It’s always nice pouring my heart out but much deeper inside, the introvert self of mine is just feeling uneasy to open up to other people. Sometimes, I just wish to just be around my small circle and keep things between us. There are a lot of emotions involved throughout the time that sometimes I am dying to share with another person. But I just shut them down, grow stronger with it and ultimately to just move on in life with smiles.

Recently, I felt lost and I have been trying to reconnect with the Quran. Finding my way back to where we all should be. I restarted my journey with surah al Mulk and subhanallah, what an eye opening this surah is. It is so deep and definitely not an easy one to go through. I probably spent at least 15 hours of lectures and read few versions of the translations to understand it. At the end of it, I figured why not I share it with other people? Alhamdulillah I’m lucky to have those extra time where others probably don’t, so hopefully this will be beneficial to others too.

Al-Mulk is a Makkan surah, with 30 ayah. During that time, Allah has yet to send instructions for many ibadah like fasting, zakat, syariah laws and many others. Yet, the language and reminders set in this surah is so strong. It shows that the most important part in Islam, is our faith, deep in our heart. This is the foundation of imaan and should be our first priority.

The surah can be separated into 6 sections which are very symmetrical and beautiful linguistically. There are a lot of visual descriptions and theoretical questions proposed in the surah. Here are the summary of the surah that I have shared on Instagram.

Our life is short, and many things are just not within our control. No matter where we are in life; at top or bottom level of whatever we are doing, rich or not; we are still capable of nothing much, we are very much weak in comparison to the One in power. This humble feeling will bring us to our position as slave, that eventually will be resurrected in front of Him and all our actions will receive the consequences.

The surah has graphically explained on how the disbelievers will end up in Jahanam (Hell) where they will be thrown deep inside a burning pit. They are screaming and regretting that they didn’t listened to warnings sent to them earlier. May Allah protect us and do not put us among those people. Whilst the believers are those who keep their faith in Allah strong in public or in private. As you may already know, Makkah time is very difficult. There were people who were ready to take in Islam, but too afraid to come out in public. Hence Allah consoled them by saying it’s okay, Allah knew what is in your heart although you are keeping your faith in secret. What a sweetheart. Also ultimately, what’s important is your heart, your faith when you are all alone, not just what you showcases in public.

Another great reminder is that every new day we wake up to is a mercy from Allah and He can take it away at any time He want. By then, there is no way to turn the time back. Within our short span of life, let’s try to strive for what’s more important, our end of life. We are all humans that keep on forgetting, but let’s remind each other to not go astray and to keep on working to become a better muslim. Keep our faith strong because again, Allah knows what is in our heart.

May Allah bless our journey in life and put us among the believers at the end of life. May we be proctected from grave’s punishment, from hellfire and any torment due to our own mistakes. May Allah bless our life and our matters. Let every breath we take is a remembrance of His mercy and power, that we put Him at His right place. Oh Allah, please keep our faith and imaan at highest level all the time, and please protect us from doing things that You dislikes.

Have a barakah Friday everyone. It’s two months towards another Ramadhan InsyaAllah. Let’s use the time wisely, as long as we have.

 

A Tale of a Strong Lady

I have a story. Something I didn’t tell a lot of people, something I didn’t talk about that often.

I always believe that there is a super power in everyone. There is one lady in my family that defines strong by being one. She is my eldest sister. Along.

Along has been a fighter for 13 years. She was 25. She has just started working after finishing her degree in Mechanical and Electronic Engineering. She was such a brilliant student. She is such a quick learner and great with machines. Give her a laptop and she can hack anything (well maybe not anything, but she’s one hella a hacker). She received an offer to study abroad back in 90s (which is a bigger deal back then) but had to decline it, thinking about all the other five younger sisters growing up requiring financial attention from our parents too. She ended up in UIA and did so well in her study, she received an offer as an engineer in an electronic company.

She was so young. There was no sign of major sickness before that until she suddenly went ill. She only had a long history of chesty cough. Too long, too dry that it never go away. Until one day it suddenly became so bad, she was admitted in hospital. Something is wrong and not a single doctor that she has met before ever thought about it. Obviously she has consulted many.

We spent many days in hospital, moving from ICU to CCU to a normal ward. It was confirmed. She had kidney failure. It was bad. Both of the kidneys were not functioning anymore. The only solution is to start dialysis immediately. She did and has been doing this for 13 years.

The kidney problem is definitely no joke. Having one of your major organs not functioning is like driving a car with only there wheels. It is almost impossible, but doable if you carry that one side and push it around. Only a strong one can do that and my sister did.

She kept going on with dialysis treatments three times a week, every week, no cheating. She is so strong that she did not complain about it. Nobody knows how she sleeps at night, but none of us has seen her crying as much as we did, even when she was sick.

She kept going on despite all the side effects that the dialysis treatments are giving her. Despite numerous “check in” to ICUs, CCUs or any other wards in the hospital due to many complications. Despite bones that broken (her bones became fragile because the body is getting less calcium). Despite major head operation (I can never tell the right medical terms, I’m sorry) to remove blood clot that gave her major headache for months.

Despite all, she is still that cheerful sister that I have. The one that took care of her younger sisters. The one who are so helpful at home and cook as good as my mother. The one that showed me how to be strong, by simply to not complain or cry but to keep going on. The one that showed me to accept what written does not mean that you are giving up.

Yesterday, she had another surgery. It was Parathyroidectomy surgery this time. This is not the first medical surgery on her but it never gets easier to us. No matter how simple or complicated the procedure is, you will always get scared whenever your loved ones being pushed to an operation theatre.

This year should be the year. For her to finally do the kidney transplant, given that a suitable organ is available. Please send prayers to her. For her to find a kind hearted donor, to safely go through the surgery and to live her life with complete wheel set again. For us to stay as strong as her in this journey, and be happily together for the longest time possible.

If she can endure this for this long, all of us can carry on with whatever tests that life throw us with, insyaAllah. Just keep going on…

 

With love and strength to all of you,

Ayuyu.

 

 

 

Virtual is not reality

Hi Love,

How are you doing? It seems unbelievable but now we are already finishing the first quarter of 2018. I am obviously still cannot get over how fast time is flying.

Being a stay-at-home-wife means that I have whole lot of time to spare for reading, thinking and just observing. It also means there are way too much time wasted on social media, more than I should be. So I tried to stop those crave for about a week when I had nightmare and my husband said ok lah can go on instagram to get my mind off it (alasan, obviously). I’m definitely still there but I am spending much less time. Switching the notification off and keeping only few inspiring important good people on highlight is definitely a good idea to keep minimal online period. But there is something about the social media that keep on luring you in.

 

how crazy the weather has been in past weeks

As for me, the social media is important to not only keeping me entertain, but I love it for all the inspo. Be it for fashion inspirations, about what to do, where to go, home design and just pretty things. Also most importantly, when your family and close friends are living miles away from you, it is nice to keep updated and update them of how life is, in fun pictures and almost live updates. I love that when I was back home the other day, they felt like we never left, simply because the updates are keeping us close. As if we are living in this life together, not miles apart.

Despite that, there is something really toxic about the social media especially instagram. Something that keep you scrolling and clicking like all days like it’s something real. There is something so vulnerable about exposing oneself to be judged by the audience, who might or might not like you. One who are watching and commenting about how you live your life. People who are preaching like they truly understands the struggles that people have in life and how much efforts they have put on. Those who think that they are always right even when others’ approach is not wrong either.

Truth is that I have been cutting my string to instagram on loose for few good reasons. One is because no matter what it is, there is no way you can please humans. Not that we ever have to please them anyway. But since I put my instagram on public, there are  crazy people hiding behind fake account who came by to leave bad comments. What hurts the most maybe when someone commented on how the way I dressed up is why I could not conceive. Like seriously, how could one say that?

May Allah gives us strength and patient in this life. Nobody is in greater power than Him and we be protected in this age of fitnah. 

It is saddening how some people just seems to miss the plot here. One should always keep in mind that the virtual life gives you space to share inspirations, a bit of happiness and also keep your memory in place. But it can never truly share how we are feeling or show the real struggles people are facing or what they have been doing for the rest of 24 hours they have. You may not see it but they are probably struggling so hard at work or at home or with health or even with faith. All of us are in different stage of life with different kind of blessings and struggles. So do not disgrace others when they cannot share same stage of life with you.  Plus, we are in no place to judge others anyway, so why do you?

There are always gonna be those days when things are just on our side. After a hard day, we went home and spent hours scrolling at other people’s happy faces, beautiful pictures, fun times. Remember that simply because nobody is sharing their bad pictures (and bad times), doesn’t mean that they do not have one. If they are happy, just be happy for them too. Their happiness is not making your life any worst off so don’t ruin your day and theirs, because of that.

Let’s start embracing the fact that nobody can have it all and what you have is best for you. He has made a promise that if we are grateful, we are going to get more. So be fully grateful with your own life, live happily within your means and insyaAllah goodness will come. It is okay if you cannot tick all boxes in life, that is not what life is anyway, don’t even keep any list of life. Enjoy every moment of life because every moments are precious. Stop caring about the outside way too much and don’t worry about people’s perception. Focus from the inside and let the glow shine your way. Keep purifying your heart and may it keep it clean from envious. Never think that you are better from anybody that you are entitled to talk bad about anyone in front or behind them. Do you think it is easy to mend hearts that you have broken?

 

 

 

Is time flying or what?

Happy Monday Love,

“If our heart were large enough to love life in all its detail, we would see that every instant is at once a giver and a plunderer.” Gaston Bachelard.

It is a brand new week and a complete turn of weather for London. It was a beautiful snowy week due to the Beast from the East last week and now it has moved on, the Sun is shining brightly again. Of course it was lovely when it snowed, but I am definitely not complaining for Spring to sneak in. Oh talking about a new season, I love how the change of seasons is giving us an extra perspective of time.

We moved here in London last Spring and just like that, we are going into another Spring soon. It has been too fast! Are you feeling it too? Sometimes, I am finding it is quite strange that now and then, we have the exact same 24 hours in a day but it seems shorter now than ever. I can still remember myself counting hours to the evening so I can go to the park and play Galah Panjang or Baling Selipar with my friends when I was a child. It felt like the clock was ticking too slow. But these days, time passed us by too fast that it is impossible to catch it. Like suddenly, it is the end of the day and then it is time for your kids to enrol to school and get married. Of course I am exaggerating but don’t you feel the same?  People say “Time flies when we are having fun”. However, as we age, time seems to fly away so fast even when we are having fun or not.

It is all in our mind. Time basically moves as fast or slow as we perceive and want to perceive it to be. Undeniably, there are days and even minutes that felt too long but when we look into a bigger perspective it was too quick. I believe that time feels longer when we are anticipating for it and when we are spending the time with people or doing things we love the most. Don’t you agree that it felt like forever waiting for those school breaks that we long for during our childhood; it felt forever for Summer to come; even when we were counting for upcoming holiday trips; or even while waiting for the right person to come. Simply because at some point of life, we are anticipating for those events to arrive. It might not be too far away but it felt like forever when we were awaiting for it. Fast forward to the end of it, those times were gone way too fast and it has became memories. Like, has it been that far away?

Do you still remember those days when heartache was your friend? Time seems to move too slow and waiting for the pain to heal seems forever, or shall I say seems impossible? It felt like those days have been stretched to longest hours and would not go away. But as I look back at that time now, I just cannot believe that those time has passed and I have been married with my dear husband for almost two years. Just like a dream, it felt like forever when you are living it, but when you woke up, you realised that it has only been 10 minutes! Like the pain, the good times are also saying “This too shall pass” whether we are aware of it or not.

Well I cannot give an absolute explanation to this and however intellectual the argument sounds like, ultimately, we all should believe that the holder of time is God. When Allah said that our one day is like your one thousand years (Hajj / the Pilgrimage: 47) and in another verse said that our one day is like your fifty thousand years (Ma’arij / The Ways of Ascent: 4), I used to wonder how, I just couldn’t comprehend why. Looking back at those verses, they are both talking about those disbelievers who asked on the torments that they were threatened with. The verse came down saying that when the time comes, (it will be too painful that) you will feel like it took a thousand time, although in reality it has only been one day. Similar like how disbelievers feel like death and hereafter are long way to go but for those who have faith, those times feel too near and there are not enough time to pray. It is all your perception of time, to feel it longer or shorter although all of us have the same 24 hours a day. Although above all, we also need to believe that God is in power to control the time. If He can create the world, of course He can make one day longer or shorter as He wishes, right?

Oh well. I have been digressing and blabbing too much.It is just one of those things playing in my head today. Something maybe for us to ponder on and think of how we have been treating our time. Because as we know, this life too shall pass…

If love is all we want, then why do we have hate?

 

Hello Love,

It has been a while since my last post. There have been few things I have been meaning to write about but I have been thinking a lot on whether it’s a good idea to do so. My last post was a bit spontaneous and part of me just hated it. Simply because I want to write beautiful things that can inspire others here, and not to ever bash about others. It was my own shortcoming and I would like to apologise if anyone was hurt in any ways.

This beautiful message was a gift for my birthday telling me why I even started writing again. I was using the notebook today and the words just made me cry. This guy has never stopped teaching me new things, even with his words from five months ago. It reminds me of how beautiful love is. No I am not only talking about love between a girl and a boy but love for all.

Often we are only thinking about ourselves. About what we think, about how we feels, about what we have and have not, etc. Often we forget to think about others. About what they are thinking, how they feel, about what they have and have not. The borderless world is suppose to make us loves more, loving everyone without border. But in the world where self love is too big, people stopped caring to love all. We tend to be selective in terms of the moments and the person who deserves our loves. Why can’t we just love them all at all time?

I am sure there are people out there who are just full of love. Maybe it’s you who are reading this. What I know for sure also is that I am personally struggling with this. Struggling to love all and always. To put others more than yourself. To have not a single hates towards others. To never feels that we are better than others. To never talk bad about other people. To at least try to understand that everyone is struggling and they might be wrong but it is not wrong for us to lend em some loves at their hard times, whether they realise it or not. To only hate the wrongdoings but never to judge the wrongdoers.

This morning, I took some time to reset my mind and looked at the tafseer of al-Fatihah, such beautiful first surah in the Quran. There are so much to learn from the surah itself to bring us back to our roots. From how loving and caring God is towards us to how powerful He is. Also how small we are as a servant that we own nothing and helpless. Hence why every single day we are praying for guidance because we all needed guidance and only Him can show us guidance. About how every each of us is imperfect and we have nothing to be too proud of. About how important for us to seek knowledge because we will never have enough and also how important to turn the knowledge into actions.

Naturally, we often looking for the end results. Maybe about who we will ended up with, how future will looks like and maybe what we will have at the end. But what important mostly is actually the path that we are taking. The road will forever be rocky but ultimately we want a good end, with those that He favours and not those He despises and not the one who lost.

I will never be good enough to give you the guidance, nor anybody else except God could. But I do want to have the best ending with all of you. Maybe we should start by having love in our heart and showing loves towards others. To always be mindful of others, to erase any negativity and just love. Sounds like a lovely world, isn’t it?

May His guidance be with us always.

 

Love,

Ayuyu.

Messy and grumpy or nice and smiley?

Hi friends.

Happy hump day! It is only one day to go until our flight home woohoo! I am beyond exited and been looking forward to this day since ever. To anyone who previously asked if I ever feeling homesick, yes of course. I always do. But I have booked our flight home since October (I think) and it feels so much better after that knowing that there is something (or should I say, someday) to look forward to. We had to change the date once, pushing it to a later date but it is finally (almost) here! To KL Tower back there, I am coming to you.

So just now, I took a time off from packing to scroll my instagram for a while.  There are few people I have been following that I always look forward to their blabbers everyday. That is why I always tell people that social media is a good platform. But only if you are always be aware of who you are following. Just make sure that their contents are empowering  and inspiring you and not pulling you down. However, there is one picture (plus things that going on around me) that drawn me to be chatty here.

Well basically I saw a picture of my friend, looking so much different now after almost a year getting into marriage and it is something I really want to blab about. This friend of mine has got married about a year ago and I have been seeing how much he has grown in size. I am still okay with that, but what makes me gaze was how scruffy and messy he looks. That is what I don’t really into. People who disregard their looks the moment they are into marriage.

I am still new in marriage and I am still struggling to get used to it. I am aware that I am not entitled to speak of how others are feeling but all I want to say are my basic principles.

To be honest, even my husband and I have gained weight since we got married. We have not been running and exercising as much anymore. Also, we spent more time at home now and I have been cooking a lot. Good for me, my husband just loves all my cookings and he will finish everything I made. I tried to balance it out with healthy menu every now and then but of course it is hard if you did not couple it with exercise. That is definitely something that we want to improve this year. In fact, I have signed us up for running events later this year to make sure that we will start running again in preparation for the event. Your lifestyle is definite your choice and you choose if you want to lead a healthy lifestyle or to just be a bum.

Having said that, I do not think that we have grown too much out of proportion and actually I still love how my body is looking now. I was super small before this, and it is nice to have a bit of something going on. However, we still want to make sure that we are still in normal (aka healthy) range.

Your look on the other hand is easier to manage. You don’t have to look like a million dollar baby but keeping things neat is essential. Nobody can deny that the first impression starts from your look. It defines who you are. Either you just don’t care, caring or care too much kinda person. You might say that you don’t care about what other thinks of you. But truth is, the most time you spent is with your significant other. Do you really don’t care about what he/she is seeing?

I remember having someone close to me asking why am I still putting on make up now that I am married. Point is, I am never putting on make up to impress guys. It is more for my own confidence. I always know how my skin looks like without make up and I was not super confidence with my bare skin. If you have read my skin journey, you would know what a struggle it has been for me before. Having getting all question about my skin condition is heartbreaking and I need all coverage I can get to avoid further explanations. Now my skin has recovered, I have changed my routine to much lighter and neutral look. Maybe someday I will ditch the whole make up routine but there is a long way to go.

Apart from that, I am always trying to look nice even when I am at home with my husband because I really care. I make sure that I showers right after I cooked and I might just put on a lip balm or cheek stain if needed. I bought nice dresses and pj for at home to look nicer. Seriously, will anyone be at peace if you sitting next to someone who smells like onions and wearing torn shirts? I feels like it is equally (if not more important) to be nice at home for someone you deeply love than for a client that you will meet for 30 minutes. Yes, you can let loose, get your hair down and wear kaftan at home. But never messy and smelly.

It might be easier for me as I am not working now and I do not have kids yet but I must starts somewhere. If I cannot do it now, imagine how bad it will be once things change. Even if you are still single, start taking care of yourself and make it a habit. Hopefully it will stays until forever and you would not have any problem once there is you have another person to live with.

There used to be time when guys are complaining about their partner who are not taking care of their look and make it an excuse to look for someone else. It is definitely unfair. It also definitely why house chores must be shared together so your wife have extra time to take care of themselves. Buy them nice clothes and most importantly, preach by example. I believe that both partners must be aware of how they look and it doesn’t stopped at the lady only.

At the end of the day, it is your choice to live how your life and to determine how you look. I am not here to judge anyone but merely just sharing how I feel. More that that, I am just justifying why I need to buy that new foundation I am eyeing at and why I always more clothes in laundry even when I stays at home most of the time. LOL.

I shall get back to packing and to whoever I am seeing back home, see you soon babes! To everyone, have a great day and take care of yourself darling. 🙂

Assalamualaikum to brothers and sisters.

My skin journey, the ugly truth and the turnaround.

Hello !

Hope you had a good week and enjoying the weekend. I am not sure why I still get very excited for the weekends although I am not working anymore now. Maybe the thoughts of having weekend breaks and having my partner around excites me (most of the time he is still doing work at home but it doesn’t matter). There is only two weeks until our flight home and I cannot help to just keep on thinking about that all the time. January is a no traveling month for us given that it is another busy month at work for hubs, especially before we are taking long break by the end of it and all I have been doing is shopping for family and friends.

As we are flying home for couple weeks, I have been taking orders on beauty products and also all other girls stuffs like handbags, pandora, etc. I cannot help it to squeeze in my own orders especially when it involves Glossier. It is such an obsession and now I think I have tried almost 80% of Glossier’s products! So, I did the Get Ready with Glossier updates on instagram story when the parcels arrived and post the top photo as the after photo. I have few people (I want to say a lot of people but let’s face it, it is only a few people, HAHA) telling me how healthy my skin looks like, how nice is the make up look and how easy the steps are. This is exactly the results you will get if you follow the Glossier routine and this is the reason why I am hooked with this brand. They are never promoting a make up that can change your look, but instead to focus to enhance and bring the beauty from within. All you are getting is “your skin, but better” look, which I am totally digging these days.

Of course it is not easy to reach this stage. I am telling you that my skin is still not flawless and I went through so many phases with my skin. Hence, this is what I want to share here today. It is not about make up, but how my skin condition has changed for the best to the worst and to the nicest now. I just wish to tell all girls out there that you can make a difference in your skin (and life ultimately). If you are facing horrible skin conditions, let me tell you that it can get better and you will regain your confidence. Let’s save all the talks to the end and let me tell you what I have been through. Caution: it has been a longgg journey and I cannot help to reminisce the moments as I went through my old photos. Unfortunately, I do not have pictures from all the way before iPhone 5 was around. But, when I don’t, let the words do the talking. 😀

I grew up as quite an outdoorsy girl, playing outside at the playground (not playing swings but playing galah panjang and baling selipar with boys). I did that almost everyday until I turned maybe 12 or 13. So, of course I ended up with darker skin tone. Other than that, I did not have any other skin problem. No major acne problem except the occasional hormonal acnes. My only problem was people who mocked me for being dark (note that almost all girls in my family have fair skin) and then the same person mocked me for buying brightening cream. It might sounds funny to others, but nobody realised how abusive these comments are.

Before I met my husband, I had a long time boyfriend from high school, X. He is probably one of those cute guys at school but he asked for my number from my classmate (a guy, let’s call him A). When X did that, the comment that A gave was “why her? I can get another girl’s number. She’s cuter.”. Point is, I was never the cute attractive girl in school (at least not everyone sees that) but I had a boyfriend and we had long relationship (on and off but he was my buddy growing up) until I had my first job.

Going into my first job, there is still nothing magical about my skin. I am blessed enough with clear skin (with occasional acnes) and I am okay with it. Of course in my early 20s and even until now, I am such a “skincare girl”. I spent a lot on skin care that I wish would work wonders on skin. Nothing spectacular ever happened but it hasn’t been a nightmare either. I have started to do make up, but it was only a light make up with major laziness to reapply after prayers. So one day, I met X for dinner after a long day at work and honestly I look crap. I didn’t re-do my make up and it has been an exhaustive day, all I need was a nice dinner and bed. My relationship with X hasn’t been good at that time but for him to make a horrible comments about my skin that day and asked why didn’t I put on make up like other girls, that was when I moved on and away. I can still remember every single words he said because those are the words that made me apply for MBA in Ireland and also made me buy a new skincare, TS.

So talking about skin, the new skincare that I bought was a local brand from Indonesia. It was back in 2012 and the brand was quite famous to transform your skin condition from bad acne problem to complete flawless. At that time, I do not have a major skin problem but I really wanted a flawless skin to 1) be confident with myself again and 2) to make X feels bad for all words he ever said to me. Yes, not the best version of me but when you make insensitive to others, especially girls, it is bound to have major effects in their life. So, guys especially, please be more sensitive to others.

Again, I bought the skincare that costs me few hundreds for 1 set and this is when my skin started to change. For the first one/two weeks, my skin has turned red and started peeling. FYI, my job requires me to meet a lot of high profile people and it is not cool to go to work with burning skin. Of course I could not wear any make up and I need to make excuses to people as they asked me what happened. It is horrible but once the peeling stage has ended, there comes the flawless super fair skin of mine. Picture below was in my winter break Morocco while doing my MBA in Ireland. It was after few months after trying and continuing using TS.

People started to make comments and asking what I have used on my skin right after the peeling period has ended. Thing is, nobody has commented that my clear dark skin is nice before. But the moment I have fair skin (with extra glow and flawless), everyone is taking a second look. I guess it is only now that people have started to appreciate girls with darker skin tone, but 5 years ago, I can see how different people are looking and treating me when I have fairer skin. If you have dark skin and nobody ever made horrible comments to you, you are lucky. But when you grew up with nasty comments, I can see why everyone wish to have nice and fair skin.

I have brought few sets of TS to Ireland and it will lasts me for about a year. However, half way there, I heard bad comments on the internet saying that the products have mercury and is not safe for your skin. I stopped instantaneously and this is when my skin has taken a major downfall..

That was me, with major breakouts going on right after I stopped using TS. As you can see, even with full coverage foundation (I think I was using Dior Airflash Foundation, best foundation ever! :P), there are big things going on my forehead, chin area and on upper lips. It didn’t stopped here, the breakouts continuously hit me for years as my skin became super sensitive to everything.

For few years, I have been dealing with major breakouts. I cannot even put the photos above in singles because it will scare everyone. By then, I have too many people asking me of what happened, you should try this and it was very overwhelming. By then I was done with MBA and flew back home for good. The changes in weather has only made it worst. It was a horrible period of big horrible acnes to small but way too many and still looking horrible pimples all over my face. It lowers my self confidence but I need to get back to work. I was still seeing people for work everyday and I have started to put on more make up. At that point, the Amazonian clay full coverage foundation has been my bestfriend.

I was an active girl and I played futsal a lot. But when you have ugly acnes all over, how are you going to play anything without your make up on? Of course I still went for it after a while but never a day goes by without anyone making comments about my skin. I have tried way too many skincare. I have tried SKII, Kate Somerville, Neutrogena and the list of international and local brands that I have tried is endless. Nothing really change my life except less money that I have, after spending thousands trying everything. Not to mention all the spa sessions I went for treatments. Nothing works.

After two years, I finally decided to go to skin specialist. I went to Dr Ting Skin Specialist clinic at Jalan Imbi. I have been prescribed with pills (I think it’s Roaccutane) and been using only skincare from Dr Ting (cleanser, toner and pimple gel). The picture above is when I (among) first going out with my husband and I have taken Roaccutane for 1 or 2 months. You can see that the small pimples all over my forehead and cheeks are drying out and slowly going away. Of course I still have make up to cover it up but the thing about doing make up on bad skin is that it might look good on pictures (from certain angles and lots of filters), but a closer look will still shows how horrible it is underneath. Not to mention that it is not cool to have super thick make up everyday, especially when I was never a full make up kinda girl before that.

I continued with the prescription for about a year and finally my skin has healed. At least my forehead is no longer covered with pimples. The treatment made my skin so dry and I need to drink a lot of water. But mostly I am grateful that the horrible stage has ended. I then started to use Fresh cosmetics.

I cannot remember which toner I was using (maybe none, LOL) but these two was my favourite and will always be. They are both so gentle and give hydration that my skin needed. I still get excited and commented every time I saw anyone trying this on. These two gives my skin the life that it needed and my skin started to look healthy again. The only drawback is that the soy face cleanser doesn’t remove make up and they are quite expensive. I have stopped using this after I quit my job because having only one partner working in KL can be a struggle and I do not want to put any burden on him.

I have started to look for a good skincare but nothing good that fits my bills. I remember using Neutrogena which was okay but nothing to shout about. My skin is back to normal (somehow it’s back to pre-tanned-but-not-fair colour also) with occasional normal breakout which I am fine with. My biggest fan is definitely my husband and I am forever grateful for him for looking at me even when I was the ugliest I can feel about myself. We have known each other even before I went for the skin specialist and since then and until now, he never says anything but good things about my skins and appearance. He even asked me to skip make up (when my skin is breaking out badly) thinking that maybe the make up that caused it all and he still feels that I look good even without it. Of course I do not think that it is true and still put make up on every single day but it definitely elevates my confidence. By now, I am already feeling good about my skin. I might not the next top model type, but alhamdulillah i do not have any imperfections and everything is working fine.

Many might condemn of how a girl can think too much about their skin and look. I know it might sounds funny to put your confidence on your look. Anyone can judge if this is not the way girls should think. But girls will always be girls. We are super sensitive human being and we are always attracted to pretty things and looking pretty. Of course your look doesn’t determine how good you are, but it definitely effect how you carry yourself around.

Indeed, the prettiest girl is the most confident happy girl. For all girls out there, I have few messages for you. 1) Find your confidence and glow from within. 2) Do not EVER use any untested products. Always make sure that the brand has done an extensive research and be alarm of certain signals like quick results, overclaims and bad side effects (although if it lasts for a while). 3) Do  not let anyone bring you down. If they are affecting you negatively, take them out from your life. You have the power to do so.

Most importantly, if my bad skin can go away, yours can too, insyaAllah. Do not the small thing brings you down and keep shining. If you think your skin need helps, do not afraid to seek helps.

Sending lots of love to everyone. I will continue this with my current skincare routine in next (next, next) post insyaAllah. Have a good weekend and just in case if nobody says this to you today, you look good! 🙂

 

New year, an overrated or time to rate?

hello 2018!

it’s a new year and it’s the first working day for 2018. so here I am, finally working on a new post. 

as usual, as the year ended, everyone is revisiting their whole of 2017 and reflecting on their achievements. i did the same too and i have started about 10 days before year end. I am glad that i did that because it means that i took my own time to reflect on my OWN life before seeing how other people do. if i need to describe my 2017 in one word, it’s gratitude. 2017 has thought me to be grateful with all that we have. we certainly do not have it all, and we will never have it all, but we are happy with all that we have. i am telling you that it is not as easy as i made it sound. i am quite a perfectionist where i kinda plan everything out and so when my plans of life don’t go as smoothly, it breaks me. but how perfect God’s plans are, that i’ve met the most laid back person as my partner. he calmed me down all the time and he also the one who thought me to just be grateful even when we were tested. as so other people, we tend to show our happy faces and times to others. i am not excluded but it is not because we are trying to be pretentious but because those are the moments worth remembering and we wanted to live for. sadness do go away eventually and i believe that those that doesn’t meant for us, doesn’t matter. for all we already have is enough. well, it’s probably more than enough. because God is ar-rahman and ar-raheem, the most loving and caring. this is one thing that i’ve embraced throughout 2017 and want to carry it with me to the new year.

bali for new year 2017

when I did Tinselz

moved to this city of London

fun time in Paris

lots of traveling in 2017

forever best partner

of course social media is busy at this time of year. it is amazing to see other people’s reflections, looking at how much they have achieved and what they have accomplished. even if they had a bad year, you gotta adore of how much they have bounced back and how strong it has made them be. but what comes after that is that people who are watching and tend to compare. have i done enough? have i’ve been an achiever? it might hit some of you. for a moment, it almost had me and took me down. as much as i enjoyed my life in 2017, i am sad to say that i didn’t do as much as i wished to. but the thing is, it is not as easy to achieve it all than to plan it all. at times, especially at hard times, you gotta take one day at a time to battle all demons around and when you did, that is achievement. there’s no need to compare how much trophies you have collected. despite, look at how much you have gone through and how much you have grown. we got to remember that everyone is not living a same life. everyone have their own battles, struggles and hardships. God bless them to go through that and still achieving something (if not a lot). it is unfair to compare how fast the cat in us has ran last year with another cheetah. what we should do is to just focus on us and grow up to be the best version of us.

keeping that in mid, i am happy to have another fresh start to 2018. life hasn’t change much as the clock is ticking but it definitely has given us another chance to reflect, rethink and redo it all over again. we are not sure of how much chances do we have left, so don’t waste it. 2018 will be the year for me striving to be better, work harder and smile even bigger. let’s keep the spirit high throughout the year and let’s not get anything through our way. also maybe let’s try to review this at least every month and not let ourselves slacking in our own world. to everyone out there, i hope you had a beautiful start and nothing but more happiness is coming your way.

much love. xxx

Easy & Quick Nutella Cinnamon Rolls

Hi all!

It is already Thursday and I really hope that you are having a great week so far. Even if you are not, thank God it is *almost* Friday!

Super easy ingredients! 

The other day, I have made this yummy Nutella Cinnamon rolls and posted it on instagram. Few has asked me to share the recipe but I am a bit reluctant because the end product doesn’t look as pretty as I pictured it to be. It is slightly burned on the top. I guess I need to stop using the top oven heat and relies on the fan only. However, it still tastes so heavenly yet so easy to make and I really hope that others can try it too.

Roll into rectangle

Spread generous amount of Nutella

Lightly sprinkle the cinnamon powder

It made it on an early Monday morning and we are just out of cereal for breakfast. So I have decided to make the Nutella Cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Well, also because I have been looking at the recipe for few weeks and been craving for a lovely Chocolate Cinnabon but Cinnabon is just too expensive.

Finally, I have time to give this recipe a try and I get it done right on time for breakfast. Unfortunately, my husband missed it by few minutes because he needed to rush for a meeting. But he surely came home later at lunchtime after spending the whole morning thinking how nice this rolls are!

Ready to bake! 

London is getting colder as Winter knocks on our door and doughs are taking much longer (almost forever) to rise. My trick is to preheat the oven, switch it off and let the dough rise inside the oven with the door cracked open. This way, there is no need for me to wait for hours for the dough to be fully risen.

Also, note that I always make by bread using a stand mixer with a dough attachment. It is much easier and faster to knead. Alternatively, you can also just stir all the ingredients together and knead by hand for less 5-7 minutes until you have obtained a nice dough.

My slightly too tanned Nutella Cinnamon Rolls

To be honest, I am not a professional baker / chef. Knowing that, I always look for the best but also easiest, nicest and fool-proof recipe. This recipe in particular took only 1 hour to make and by far the easiest that I have seen. Not to mention that the ingredients are basics and staples at our kitchen. So do not be terrified thinking that baking is hard because it is not and it is so much fun! Give this recipe a try and do give me a shout once you tried it.

Easy Nutella Cinnamon Rolls

Ingredients:

For Dough:
1 cup milk
1/4 cup butter
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, sifted
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1 pack of instant yeast (approx. 3 tsp)
1 egg

Fillings:
Ground cinnamon
Nutella

Icings:
1/4 cup butter, melted
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2 cup icing sugar
1-2 tbsp milk

Directions:

For Dough:

1. Combine milk and butter and heat in microwave for 1 minute. Remove and sir. Continue heating in 20 seconds intervals, pausing after each to stir, until the butter is melted and milk is warm to the touch but not too hot. if needed, let the mixture sit for few minutes to cool down.

2. In a separate bowl, whisk together 3 cups of flour (saving the remaining), sugar and salt until combined. 

3. Add yeast and lukewarm milk mixture into the mixer bowl and lightly stir to combine. Add the flour mixture and egg, and beat on medium-low speed until combined. Add the remaining flour, 1/4 cup at a time, until the dough begins to form a ball and pulls away from the sides of the bowl. Continue beating for 5 minutes on medium-low speed. Remove the dough hook and cover the dough with a damp towel and let rest for 10 minutes. 

4. When the dough is ready, turn it out onto a floured work surface. Then using a floured rolling pin, roll the dough out into a large rectangle. 

5. Spread generous amount of Nutella evenly over the top of the surface, leaving a 1/4 inch border at the bottom. Sprinkle the cinnamon. (Pop the Nutella in the microwave for few seconds if it is too thick, to make it easier to spread).

6. Tightly roll up the dough. Give the final seam a little pinch so that it seals. Cut the roll into equal size pieces. (I always starts by cutting it into half, and cut small pieces into another half and half until I have got the desired size.)

7. Place each of the cut cinnamon rolls into a greased pie plate or baking dish. Then cover again with a damp towel, and leave the dish in warm place to rise for 30 minutes. 

8. Once risen, uncover the dish and bake at 170c for 15-20 minutes or until the rolls are gold and cooked through. Remove and let cool. Drizzle with your desired icing and Nutella and serve. 

For Icing:

1. Whisk together butter, vanilla extract and icing sugar in low heat. Add milk, a tablespoon at a time, if it is too thick. Add more icing sugar, a tablespoon at a time, if it is too thin. 

2. If desire, melt nutella and drizzle or pipe on top of the rolls too. 




recipe adapted from: https://www.gimmesomeoven.com/nutella-cinnamon-rolls-recipe/ 

 

 

Whitstable, Kent – Lovely Beach Perfect for City Break

Hi everyone!

En-route to Kent.

I have really been trying to write more here but I have nothing but myself to blame for lack of productivity. There are few nice recipes, few trips that I haven’t write about, few products review that I want to do and few personal reflections, all waiting for me to write here. In the meantime, I have shared an unplanned “Chatty Get Ready With Me (GRWM)” on my igstory last Friday. I really would like to thank everyone who has sent such lovely reactions towards my story. I am feeling so much better now but most importantly, I am glad that there are few friends out there who are inspired by it. Let’s face it, we have all been there, on days that we really need a little pick-me-up. Some people look for hideouts, some spend more time on the praying mats, some indulge with good food or nice massage, or just a simple meet up with close family/friends to feel at least slightly better. Either way, just find whichever way suits you best and never be afraid to shout for help. Truth is, I am a very shy and super introvert person but it felt so good to share my story the other day. It is definitely a new milestone for me but I am already thinking whether I should talk more and maybe create a series of Chatty GRWM. What do you think?

Whitstable town

More nice shops in Whitstable

Lovely small town of Whitstable

OOTD

Quiet town of Whitstable

Most importantly today, I would like to share about our trip to Whitstable, Kent. Last Sunday (how fast did Sunday went away, again? It feels just like yesterday was Sunday, but it is not), we had an ad-hoc trip to Whitstable. My husband and I are definitely not the most spontaneous person on Earth. I hate when we are going out without any plans and he will not pack his bag until he has prepared a full list of what to pack. So when we woke up at 7am on Sunday morning, I said “Let’s go out!”, thinking of just another walk around London. But he said “Like out of London?”, thinking that was exactly what I meant. (To those who think that couples actually can read each other’s minds, that’s BS :P). And I just had to say “Yes!”. We booked a rental car immediately, get ready and set in car by 9am. It was all happening so fast (2 hours is fast for me LOL) and with the fact that we had no idea of where to go. All we knew is that we must be back in London by 7pm because I don’t want to miss another Bonfire night.

the Harbour

Walking by the beach

Such a windy day at Whitstable

Beach huts

More huts

Beautiful beach

Initially, I wanted to go to Cornwall thinking that it might take 2-3 hours drive. But once we were in the car and tried to navigate ourselves, we realized that it took longer than that and there is no way that we will be able to be back in London in time for the fireworks. After 20 minutes of driving towards Cornwall, we changed the destination to the lovely Whitstable and 1.5 hour later we have arrived the beautiful beach.

Lovely cafe near the harbour

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Kent has always been a place close to my heart because I had my amazing friends studying in Kent University before. My trips to Kent before  have always involved all of them and even though they are not there anymore, it still feels like visiting them.

Like all the other Kentish towns, Whitstable is such a calm and beautiful village. They have such beautiful vintage shops, nice market by the harbour, beautiful beach huts and of course lovely beach. We had a lovely lunch at a lovely cafe in town and I can still imagine the taste of crab sandwich and smoke salmon. I am just loving everything about the town! England is getting so cold now, though and Whitstable was so windy when we came. I would suggest to anyone planning of going, wrap yourself up properly and a scarf and gloves are essentials at this time of the year. We then headed to the Royal Turnbridge Wells town, 1 hour away from Whitstable. However, we timed ourselves wrongly. As we arrived to the town, the Spa Valley Railway and basically everything else has closed for the day.

We then headed straight to London, right on time to catch the Bonfire Night fireworks at the Victoria Park. The day and night couldn’t been any better. This is exactly the days that I love, that makes me look forward for weekends. Till next time, let’s brave ourselves to just another couple days to the weekend. 🙂

Love,

Ayuyu.